I feel desperately alone. I feel so alone that my stomach hurts in that cold, metallic, “I might throw up and feel fine about it” way. I feel almost dead inside; totally dead would be fine, but “almost dead” leaves room for despair. I am run ragged with school: up WAY before dawn to get some work in and sometimes exercise before I have to leave, and I commute and have 8 AM classes most days right now, so that’s early. Class for 8 to 11 hours a day. Up late desperately “reading” (skimming) and trying to do stuff like eat meals and pay attention to my animals and boyfriend. Then on top of that in another layer is always spinning “what a terrible bitch you are” and the look on my mother’s face when I left her standing in the parking lot on Sunday. It is a lot.
I went to an AA meeting tonight (gotta fit those fuckers in too, right?) and mentioned all of this because I thought it might be VAGUELY important to my sobriety. Stupidly, I thought my supposed friends might support me in my hour of need and perhaps shell out sage AA advice regarding how to keep your sanity when you’re about to go nuts for whatever reason. Instead, the first person after me to talk said she was a mother and she wouldn’t tolerate it if her son cut her off; she would scream, chase the car, climb in windows, and beat down the door, whatever it took to “make things right.” I heard this as “Your mother’s behavior was appropriate, and yours was not.” The next person said her son had cut her off, and she handled it by deciding he was just an asshole. The next person said she felt sorry for herself all her life because her mother didn’t pay attention to her, but when her mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer she restored their relationship and now still missed her mother. The next person said she was a victim of incest for 20 years but had come to realize that as an adult it was incumbent upon her to stop “wallowing in self-pity” and to forgive her father so they could have a relationship. I was so dissociated that the meeting seemed over in about 5 minutes. I kept trying desperately to return to myself and glean SOMETHING useful from what everyone was saying, but all I could hear was “You are a selfish, ungrateful child. Of course your poor mother is going to act like this, and you deserve every single bit of it.” Each thing said felt like a little “oomph” stab into my gut. I wanted to leap up and scream, “This is not about you and your children/parents! Who the fuck do you think you are?” AA is not a place to give direct advice like that. Aside from that it just brought horribly home to me that my “friends” have zero idea what I am trying to communicate to them; they have NO idea how the events from the last few weeks have affected me, and there is little chance that they ever will. Additionally they seem to believe that I am a childish brat making fairly serious interpersonal errors. I cried all the way home. I have no one right now. Even my best friend ever, when I read my stepfather’s e-mail, stayed stuck on the brain tumor thing and then took a call on another line and never called me back. What am I, dog shit? The boyfriend means well and understands more than most people, but he says brilliant things like, “You shouldn’t have brought that up at that meeting.” I finally told him I had had enough of being told that I was egregiously mishandling every aspect of my life, and he went away. Right now I am scared of this alone-ness because the only person who seems to simply listen to what I say and—gasp—validate it is my therapist, and I don’t like having all my eggs in one basket. I especially don’t like it with therapists. They bite and should not be gotten too close to, in my experience. Boyfriend is harping on me to get a new sponsor, get a new sponsor, get a new sponsor (because he’s such an expert on AA, after going to about 4 meetings his whole life).
I have imposter syndrome at school, too. I’m all perky and on top of things on the outside, and the whole time I’m thinking, “If you had any idea what insanity is going on in my life right now you’d fall off your chair.”
Anyway. At the end of the meeting these same people came up and hugged me, and I hugged them back unenthusiastically because I thought it would be rude and a little odd to scream “Don’t fucking TOUCH me” and run out of the room, which is what I felt like doing. But then the woman who talked first and basically said, “Well, if you cut your mother off, what do you expect? Of COURSE she’s going to act that way!” came over and said she hoped she hadn’t offended me. I was speechless and, again in an effort to avoid completely losing it, managed to squeak, “I’m just going to leave now” and did so.
I’m angry. I wish I weren’t; “almost dead inside” is so tantalizing that I’d really like to go that extra little way. Just for a while. Just to take the edge off this pain, which seems bottomless and unimaginable.
12 responses so far ↓
Susan // August 23, 2007 at 3:02 am
Oh my god. Don’t even listen to them. You’ve AGONISED over your decisions regarding your mother. You’ve been stressed, horribly upset, tormented about it. You made your decision because it was this or self-destruct, really. You choose you, she’s been choosing herself for all your life atleast. It’s okay. Who are they to judge you? You’ve made a good choice. You’ve done well.
bluepeony // August 23, 2007 at 7:11 am
Argh. Those people are just stuck in the ridiculous “stay with your family no matter what they have done to you” paradigm that Western society propagates. You know it is not healthy. I know it is not healthy. The readers of this blog know it is not healthy. You have done the right thing.
oeah // August 23, 2007 at 7:21 am
I hate people who say things like that. Do you ever confront them about how they are telling you that you are wrong and how it seems like everyone is always saying you’re wrong … only to have them tell you that you’re being irrational and thats not what they were saying at all? … only IT WAS?!
I get that. A LOT. I JUST cut my parents off. The difference is … they actually were the only ones I ever had in my life, which was just about the ONLY reason that I ever even kept going back to them. Like a bad drug addiction. Now I am alone too. And I am lifeless when I am alone and when I am out. And I can feel the stares, but I can hardly care anymore.
My parents dont call me. They say they care. But they’ve never called me. EVER. I went abroad one semester in school. And when everyone else was talking about how their parents called to check in on them, mine never did. There’s no compassion there.
I’m alone too. Very alone and very nearly dead inside. And you’re right. This is the worst way to be. Fully dead. That would be much more of a blessing.
meadowlark // August 23, 2007 at 8:34 am
I am astonished by the lack of support you found at that AA meeting. Susan is 100% right. You HAVE made the right choice, to avoid your mother. It was wrong of her to make a huge scene at the parking lot; she didn’t have to handle it that way. Borderline moms deliberately create drama in their lives at the expense of their kids; they can’t feel alive without it. You don’t have to give in to it.
In the Markham blog about borderline parenting, it says that many (adult) children go to their graves protecting their borderline mothers, so I think that explains the attitude of the people at that meeting. Many people never get it; they never completely grasp how much a borderline mother can damage them. Your mother is supposed to be loving and understanding at all times no matter what’s going on in her life, but she’s not capable of that because SHE’s sick and needs help. I don’t do meetings anymore, but I used to do Al-Anon ACOA meetings rather than AA. I once told a man after a meeting how guilty I felt about cutting off my parents, and he assured me not to worry about it. It still bothered me of course, but it was nice to be supported. That particular group had a reputation for being a good one. Maybe your therapist can recommend a better meeting for you.
My heart aches for you. Please don’t give up; you’re a good, intelligent person and you deserve to have a happy, peaceful life. You deserve to be free of your mother.
borderlinecrazy // August 23, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Thanks guys…support is fab! My phone kept beeping during my long clinical orientation today with your comments, and it improved my mood steadily.
A rose by any other... // August 24, 2007 at 9:25 am
I’d like to add my support to everything above. They just don’t get it, they haven’t lived it, their coments are all about them, not you. You’ve done the right thing.
trying to thrive // November 6, 2007 at 12:40 pm
I cut my mother off around 11 years ago. Then, after about 5 years ago or so, my brother and sister asked me to ‘rejoin the fold’ My parents had divorced, so I did for the sake of creating a safe space for them, and so that I could keep tabs on her and make sure they were okay. She is still a horrible human, and I hate that I am just forming a healthy self at 30, but after 5 or 6 years away from her, I can be near her and handle the situation. The sad thing is that I have to work very hard at not getting lulled into that false sense of security (I am currently the ‘good’ child). But taking the time away made my healing sooo much more possible. If it wasn’t for my siblings, I never would have reopened the door…. Moral of the story: Cut them off and DO NOT TRY to explain it to anyone who hasn’t been there. They will never never ever understand, but there are thousands of us who do. I have also found that now that she knows that I can walk away, she has fewer psychotic breaks that are ‘my’ fault. It’s like dog training. Don’t reinforce the bad behavior with a reaction, just walk away, walk away, walk away……
meadowlark // November 7, 2007 at 8:45 am
Trying to thrive,
Thank you for your comment. I cut my parents off nearly 2 years ago, but I still think about them every day. I hate that! I still feel guilty about it, even though being around them caused both my mental AND physical health to suffer. I’m beginning to realize that it will take many more years for me to build my self-esteem up to a healthy level. I hope that in 5 or 6 years I’ll be able to achieve the confidence that you have when dealing with your mother. I want to be strong enough to resist being sucked into borderland if I choose to allow my borderline mother and narcissistic father back into my life. Instinctively I figured that the only way I can truly heal is by cutting them off. You’ve reassured me that this is correct–thanks again.
trying to thrive // November 9, 2007 at 8:30 am
You are welcome. And remember that it is really a sign of normalcy that you actually miss them and feel guilty…I would be more concerned if you didn’t. For me it was probably about 7 years to really emotionally ‘decide’ or know that my mother, while alive, was dead to me in all ways that my friends mom existed to them… It was tough realizing you won’t ever have those people there the way you need them. I consider myself an orphan in a way, it allows me to lower my expectations in a way that is necessary for survivial. I think I came throught it because I found other sane people to support me emotionally during college, my wedding, and all the other big stuff. I am going to the doctor today to find out if I have cancer, and I really really wish I had a mom to call. But I don’t, so I call my friends and my husband and hope that I don’t wear out my welcome. I am living proof that you can move on. Probably the weirdest thing is that when you get to a ‘better’ place where you are largely in control of your life you will look around at your great normal life and think- Were the fuck am I? In OZ?? You may already have had that experience. That is why I say that I am trying to thrive….Now that I could thrive and not just survive, it is hard to even know what that means. But it is a lot more fun than the first, oh, five years of recovery
Now my therapy is finding things I love to do so that I can direct MY life. Hang in there- you need space to heal and then to create who you are in this new universe.
PS don’t be shocked that there may be other ‘friends’ in your life who abuse like your parents did and who also need to be shown the door. Better people take their place, so don’t worry if this has to happen.
Epiphany // March 12, 2008 at 6:40 pm
I read your blog, but somehow I could not immerse myself in it. What do you expect of a selfish world? Everyone is basically selfish.
You are alone, so am I. My best advice to you is not to listen to sugar coated messages on a messageboard telling you did this right or wrong. You got yourself.
Get tough, learn to suck it up, things are not going to get any better. Your problem is that you seem to be a bit self-absorbed. No one cares, and you will learn the hard way. I had to learn it.. you will too.
My best advice is get tough. You got yourself, and basically you can love it or not.
You not the only person alone. Call me cynical. No, I just learned to accept life, and I can take it or leave it.
My best.
L // March 13, 2008 at 8:41 pm
My best is to tell E to Buck up and shut the F*ck up. I think E is jealous because of all the people who read this, and relate. If only E had a friend… might make E less of a cynical ass.
A rose by any other... // March 18, 2008 at 3:54 pm
E sounds a lot like my undiagnosed BPD mum. His/Her comments sicken me.
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